Let’s Be Real – People Pleasing Isn’t Kindness
In this week’s episode of The Talanoa Lounge, I sat down with my sister Logan for a raw and honest talanoa about something we’ve both struggled with… people pleasing.
We opened up about our lived experiences of saying “yes” when we didn’t want to, over-apologising for things that weren’t our fault, and stretching ourselves thin just to be liked, accepted, or avoid conflict. We talked about how giving too much of ourselves, emotionally, physically, and mentally; can lead to deep exhaustion, resentment, and even losing touch with who we really are.
Growing up, we saw this pattern all around us… family members constantly putting others first, being overly accommodating, and carrying the weight of everyone else’s needs. Whether they named it or not, it was people pleasing. And in our culture, that behaviour can sometimes be mistaken for respect or love.
But here’s the truth we’ve come to learn: People pleasing isn’t kindness. Kindness has boundaries. People pleasing comes from fear… fear of not being enough, fear of being rejected, fear of conflict.
We also dove into how emotional intelligence plays a role in healing this habit. It’s about recognising what you’re feeling in the moment, pausing before reacting, and asking yourself: Am I doing this from love or from fear? Am I abandoning myself to keep someone else comfortable?
It’s uncomfortable work; slowing down, reflecting, self-regulating, and learning how to sit with the guilt that comes when you finally start choosing yourself. But it’s necessary work. And it’s how we start shifting generations of overgiving and self-silencing.
If you resonate with this, we want you to know you’re not alone. You’re not broken for being a people pleaser, you learned to survive that way. But now, you’re allowed to choose differently.
You’re allowed to pause.
You’re allowed to say no.
You’re allowed to take up space.
This episode is an invitation to notice the patterns, unpack them with love, and start building new ones that are rooted in truth, not fear
If anything in this episode brought up heavy feelings for you, please reach out for support. You are never alone.
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Warm-toned artwork for Episode 6 of The Talanoa Lounge, where Courts explores people pleasing. The image features a calm Pasifika woman holding a heart, symbolising emotional giving, surrounded by earthy cultural patterns.
